Guilt

These past days, a lot of things have happened. Two major things I want to share.
Two days ago as regularly I went into ENT. A presentation was made about the women in Ecuador. I felt disgusted and wrote to my family about my frustration. I felt guilty that we, my people could be subjects of study of someone that truly never understood them. I have talked to a few people about my feelings and although everyone agreed with what I had said, one person gave me insightful advice. He said that it is still this person’s perception being presented. He is right. I just wished this was made much clearer in the presentation. This also changed my perspective on how I am learning from other studies and through my own expedition through other cultures. How often do I stop and truly realize that what is presented to me is not a fact? Especially when this is the first time I hear about something… Rarely (or sometimes I completely dismiss it). I cried and talked to my extended family (it was my pseudo mom’s birthday we were celebrating during that dinner). A group was discussing the idea of how horrendous they think it is that women have to carry water all day, as though it was a waste of time. I only added that if you stop and think about it, and ASK. A lot of females will say they feel tires about carrying the water but they see their roles as important. If this is taken away, it also takes away a huge part of their identity.
This is what I wrote as I was angry, I will not translate it as it is in its pure form –I did not make any additions as it mostly reflects my feelings about listening to this woman and then approaching her (if I had said what I was really thinking, I could have potentially been really rude so I just went to her and told her I am from Ecuador), it clearly needs more elaboration to be accurate but this is what I purely felt then:
No existe ningun desarrollo positivo que no venga de la gente misma. Estoy asqueada y aun no entiendo bien la razon. Acabo de salir de una charla acerca de desarrollo e igualdad de genero. Una profesora que ha ido varias veces para Ecuador present su investigacion. Las mujeres indigenas teniendo poderes economicos y manteniendo el medio ambiente en comparacion con las mujeres del ‘grupo’ (como ella dijo) mestizo. Se nota que no entendia muy bien como funcionaba nuestro sistema social. Me desespero la forma en la que describio a mi pais, mi gente. Me acerque a ella y le dije que venia de Ecuador y se dedico a describir su orgullo de haber estado alla y haber ido mas de 30 veces. Habia estado ahi por maximo 3 meses a la vez y cree que sabe algo de mi gente? No importa si es bueno o malo lo que escribe la gente que viene de afuera a describir sus ‘misiones’ para ayudar a los que NO somos pobres ni ingenuos. No puedo permitir que esto siga pasando. Nosotros somos los unicos que deberiamos estar definiendo nuestro futuro y no esta gente de afuera que se cree superior por ayudar. Que asco que asco Tengo iras y me siento responsible! No puedo dejar que esto siga pasando. Solo deEcuador tiene que venir las solucion. La colaboracion intelectual y tecnica es muy diferente que la ayuda/explotacion de la comunidad para engrandecerse por ser “tan bueno”. Esta es nuestra lucha como ecuatorianos. No dejemos que nadie de afuera venga a decirnos que es lo major para nosotros. Para esto, eduquemonos bien pero mantengamos siempre presente nuestro verdadero objetivo: mejorar la seguridad y cualidad de vida que llevamos en el pais, tenemos que comprometernos TODOS y convencer a los que aun no estan convencidos. Ecuador es un pais soberano, conejillo de indias de nadie.
Yesterday on the other hand, I went to a workshop on Theater for the oppressed (thanks Kevin Ferreira =).  If you are reading). This was an exercise called the game of power and used 6 chairs, a table and a water bottle. One person would prepare a scenario using all of these materials, purposefully making one chair seem to have more power than the others. There was one scenario that struck me though. Two chairs were holding a chair up and the latter was ‘protected’ by the table. The other 3 chairs were put as though they were kneeling. The only thing that came to my mind was the almost coup-d’état  that occurred back in Ecuador a few months ago. The chairs kneeling were the people fighting, the protected was the police, the ones under the chair were the powerful, they had nothing to lose really, they could even make the police fall. What was shocking was that I could not get past it. I felt the fear again, when I could not get in touch with my family and felt guilt that I was not there to protect them (as unrealistic as I may sound). We did a few of these before this last one and had been able to imagine the most amazing scenarios, but with this one I was stuck. I carry so many cultural biases… I wonder if this nationalistic sentimentalism is sometimes contra-productive. This guilt is definitely a driving force but in order to utilize it I need to go back or it will eat me alive…
That is what I have been feeling. Last night there was a party and I went but left immediately. I wanted to write so I went out deck 7 and was covered with a sheet of stars as I wrote this story about purple, yellow and indigo people. I will transcribe it at some point. I promise.
Today consisted of studying for my midterm for class (I cannot be any more redundant, I love how much I am learning about resources and how to use them!) and learning about Panama (one of the people in charge of the expansion of the canal gave a presentation today and even gave a piece of the concrete of the canal to SAS as a gift for the continuous collaboration  WOW). Anyways! Panama tomorrow! I will tell you all about it when I come back to the ship in two days!

Love,

More than a dreamer